Plenty of Catfish- Online Romance & the Digital Tattoo
News and talk shows are ripe with stories about people who have been catfished- unsuspecting citizens duped by scammers, emotional blackmailers and others with ill-intent. Most of the time, the exploit is financial, but there are also many who fall into emotionally charged relationships only to find out that they have fallen for someone who is not real. My heart breaks for particularly the older men and women who eagerly send money to Nigeria and miss out on all the grammatical errors and deep accents, in hopes that they will somehow comfort and aid a person who is nothing more than an idea. In a way, it is a second exploitation to see them understand that this person does not exist. On the other hand, it’s a story that has to be shared as a cautionary tale of what our global village is capable of.
And you, dear sis, have seen every episode and don’t think this can happen to you. You weren’t born yesterday, with your pre-Google privilege. Scammed? Never. But unlike the older generation, do you see how mainstream culture is trying to change the catfish narrative so that you will be more accepting of it? For the longest time, MTV ran a reality show aimed at teenagers where young adult catfish were “caught” on air, and had a chance to “explain” why they lied about their identity. The narrative often was outrage at the moment of discovery, revelation of weakness and insecurity on behalf of the catfish, sometimes remorse and then (wait for it!) friendship between the adored and the inferior. So maybe you will avoid this happening to you, but look at how the world is training your little sisters to respond to lies.
LIES. We are wading through a sea of lies in search of something true.
Online romance is a game at best. Many friends of mine found their husbands online- I thank God for creating an opportunity to connect people who might not have met under typical circumstances. Conversely, I have many more friends who have been burned and shipwrecked by online encounters. I am young enough that I was in the single scene when speed-dating and dating platforms were emerging. And believe me I did it all- speed dating, group date cooking night, creating profile after profile for websites, scanning profile after profile for a dream that had no form. It gets tedious and depressing. It breeds competition with ghosts of girlfriends past- how can you win when you don’t know what you’re up against? And soon, websites began to offer options like “casual encounters” and “hookups”. The development of mobile apps made it easier to swipe left and flip through carefully crafted promises of what makes ME worthy of love and commitment or physical connection. Everything seems to be moving faster. That’s ironic when building a committed relationship requires quality time to know and be known by the other.
If you think of it as a game, online dating doesn’t hurt your feelings as much. Even as a type that, I wince. What you present if it is really you most likely will be too honest and not generate as many responses. Your potential mate is locked up in an algorithm, and you need to crack the code to get him to pop up. Now it’s more of a challenge to meet rather than a truth to pursue.
I can’t tell you whether or not online dating is for you- but what I can talk about it honesty and integrity. Honesty, real true genuine unapologetic morning-after-the-wedding honesty, is hard to find. Even after being in relationship with my husband for years, there were still a few shockers waiting for me once we said “I do”. We are people who are raised, not hatched. To be in relationship involvesrecognizing how we operated in our family of origin, and how it affects our partner, and making intentional decisions of how we as a new unit will handle things together. That may sound mechanical. It is to an extent. But emotions are like landmines, attached to things that you can’t begin to imagine until you’ve found it. When people say relationships are work, this is what they mean. We are only aware of 20% of the baggage we move into our romantic relationships (I made up that figure, but you know what I mean). In light of that, the careful postering of online profiles, and text communication allows one the option of subverting a lot of nastiness and only showing the parts of his/her personality that are winning and charming.
Integrity is doing what’s right when no one is watching. It’s also a thermometer of where you are in your relationship with God at any given time. There are times when we all fall short of what we know we should do, but the closer I am walking to God, the less likely I am to make bad decisions. The internet provides distance and anonymity; both sear our consciences so that we don’t feel as attached to our actions. In the same way I explained how texting and email are not authentic communication, I add to it that in our online lives are often uninhibited and can promote bad behaviour. What am I talking about? Sexting and cybersex. Online flirtation with people who are in committed relationships. Aggressive language/violent fantasies through interactive gaming and joining in “comment wars”. Virtue signalling (that is, aggressively pointing out the flaws of others so that no one will suspect or accuse you of whatever the left declares war on). Exchanging lewd photos. Receiving profit, financial or otherwise, for such behaviour. I could go on. Whatever your defense, you must admit that we never think it’s going to go further. Sending a flirty email is very different than meeting up with someone’s husband for sexual contact… and yet, it’s a slippery slope. Mainstream culture is making it easier and easier to slide down that slope and not feel guilty- strike that, not feel anything. Take a deep breath and let that sink in.
Your online life is a digital tattoo. Even if you can clear the cache and hide the history, the truth of your actions will come up once you are in a committed relationship. I don’t want that to loom over your head, so let me also say, that’s okay as long as you are prepared to disclose and deal with the fall out. There will be fall out- some of it you can anticipate, but not all of it. If you don’t handle it honestly, these things may threaten to end your relationship. Explaining that you once had a one night stand is very different from pictures surfacing from a cam show you did when you were feeling unloved. The internet is not forgiving. It does not forget. People collect all kinds of things. The younger you start your online life, the more stuff you have to keep clearing out.
By contrast, God does forgive. He puts your sins as far away from you as the East is to the West. You don’t have to tell everyone everything you’ve done- once you have repented and handled it with Him, that old you is gone. But there are consequences sometimes of that old life that won’t die as easily, and the internet is a breeding ground for this. Additionally, your commitment to your spouse is at a higher degree as such requires more disclosure on your part about who you have been. This has to be navigated through with care (and hopefully, help from your pastor, depending on what has happened).
Because I know that communication is a huge problem for many, let me say too that I am not advocating brutal honesty. Remember the person that is in relationship with you, cares about you and may very well think of you as their future spouse. As God’s girls, we take everything to Him and allow Him to lead us on how to navigate through these things. You want to be delicate, respectful and authentic. Really pray about when is the right time to disclose these things. It’s a very different world we live in than the one of our parents. I really want to encourage Christian women’s groups to tackle some of these things, because so many people are walking around with all kinds of stuff on their heads and hearts and they can’t receive God’s good word until they let go of the burdens within.
Say something. I dare you.