Four Ways Porn Will Ruin Sex For You
You might already know this information, but with the rapid proliferation of online pornography, more women are fighting an addiction to it than we realize. God can heal you from anything- He can break every chain of addiction, but the apostle Paul meant it when he said that sexual sin is particularly sticky because it defiles the body (1 Corinthians 6:18). There is also good reason that God asked us to abstain from sexual activity before marriage. I can speak more personally to that than the porn issue- it really can lead to problems with sex, intimacy and bonding once you get married. So let's roll up our sleeves and get started!
1 It sets up unrealistic expectations about the act as well as the bodies performing the act. It's literally UNREAL.
Women who struggle with a porn addiction sometimes don't realize that through viewing, they are literally absorbing the ideas that are being presented. It is natural and human to be simulated by watching this, but you are also teaching your body what to respond to. Over time, you start to work out your preferences- not just for men, but for women too. Some people prefer to watch women with whom they share certain traits. Others go for someone who is their ideal body type, leading to greater insecurity in the way they see themselves. When it comes to men, the focus is always on size- and we forget that there is light and shadow, camera angles and prosthetics that contribute to this ridiculous ideal. A real live man is not going to look like what you see in porn. Even if he does, your mind is already making a comparison to all the images you've taken in, thus taking you out of the intimate moment you’re supposed to be partaking in. And as it is with most sin, the temptation rarely lives up to the experience. Porn dulls your sensations so that when you engage sexually, the experience is less than the grandeur of the one you exposed yourself to.
2. It writes a series of fantasies in your heart that will become increasingly complicated until you find yourself going further and further from your sexual identity.
The mind houses our creativity, and the heart houses our desires. We have genuine, good desires of the heart and others that are deceitful ( Jeremiah 17:9). The secular world acknowledges that there is darkness in our hearts too; a place where we revel in evil. It's related to original sin. This too is why we are encouraged in the Bible to guard our hearts (Prov. 4:23), put on the full armour of God (Eph. 6:11-18) and regularly give ourselves over to God so He can transform our minds and renew us (Romans 12:2). Fantasy allows the mind to take images and sensations to help create a dream that isn't reality, for the purpose of removing you from the present circumstance.
Porn removes the restrictions of reality and creates circumstances and contexts that range from unusual to abnormal. Our society does everything it can to try and normalize even the strangest fetishes, but increasingly the lines are blurred and behaviour that was once unacceptable and abhorrent is being embraced.
Many of you will react to my language as judgemental- I'm okay with that. Above all, Jesus loves you and wants to be in relationship with you. If you want to walk close to Him, you're going to have to engage is conversations with Him about this stuff- I’m only here to get you thinking.
Fantasies of all sorts are readily available in the world of online porn. As you spend time consuming this content, what turned you on will get boring and you will find yourself clicking on things you would not have before this addiction took root. Because so much of this is based in fantasy, you will be disappointed by real, live sex. Society has decided in order to accommodate this problem, we should create communities and safe spaces where people are free to live our their fantasies. Society also promotes these strange behaviours through mainstream culture- movies, television, music- so that it will be more palletable and we will relate to the characters. A perfect example of this is 50 Shades of Grey. The phenomenon that broke out after the release of novel set, author E.L. James was catapulted into success, and what was fringe (BDSM) became coffee talk.
I have the right to do everything, but not everything is constructive, said the apostle Paul (1 Corinthians 10:23). You have to choose what is right for you, however, appetites and addictions fight you to choose in their favour.
3. Porn promotes disassociation.
I learned how to disconnect my mind from my body in elementary school when I realized that I didn't have to learn. I felt great power in deciding not to be present. Although my body was still in class, my mind was somewhere else. I now had a coping mechanism to help me deal with all kinds of upsetting situations (so long as I could keep up with the lesson!). I was quietly slipping away in Sunday school one day when my teacher had a prophetic moment, and began to talk about how dangerous it was to be present but mentally elsewhere. I felt conviction and I even understood the danger he spoke of- he was right. Fantasy was a swirling whirlpool that threatened not only to take me far from shore but to pull me under and stifle my Christianity. I knew that word was for me, and it took time to unlearn the behaviour. Be patient, sis. God cleans you up, but it takes time to break off the habits because it's what our flesh is accustomed to. He is faithful to complete the work He has begun in your life.
One of the effects of consuming porn is when you are supposed to be engaged with your partner, your mind wanders back to what it is accustomed to consuming (those images and videos) and takes you out of the present. I was once asked if I think I'd be attracted only to my husband for the rest of my life. At the time I was single, and could not construct a realistic idea of what my husband would be like, but I understood the point that was being made. Other men would be attractive to me, but my commitment should keep my focus on who I married. Enter temptation, in full force! Sis can I tell you what I realized? Sometimes it really is okay to flee from evil. There's a reason Joseph ran from Potiphar's wife. The longer you look at something-anything- that you can't have, the more corruption is pouring into your heart. When you love and respect your partner, you will learn to keep your eyes on theirs, and this will help.
4. It desensitizes you and makes it harder to engage in healthy sexual practice. Picture a delicious ice cream sundae in front of you and your beloved husband. He hands you a spoon and both take a bite. His reaction: he closes his eyes, smacks his lips together and says mmm before digging in for more. In your mouth, you sense the creaminess, but there is no sugar. In disbelief you go back for more, only to find out ice cream is not sweet on your tongue.
As a diabetic, I will never forget that once my blood sugar was regulated, I found out how glorious an orange can be. My palette had become some accustomed to refined sugar that nature's candy, an orange, was pulpy and tasteless to me. Around 2 p.m. every day, I am allowed to have some fruit, usually an orange. That burst of sweetness was so good, I remember stopping to look at the fruit as I ate it. I came to love everything about a good orange- the smell as you peel it, the fresh soft skin that covers each section and finally that burst of fruity fibrous joy! I only had to become diabetic to appreciate it! So it goes with sex. Nothing is worse than watching your husband love you and enjoy the moment and you can't turn off the images in your mind or be present with him.
5. It throws off the balance of a natural appetite.
Yes- humans need sexual contact. But God also outlines a context for engaging in the practice. People in other situations have to figure it out with His guidance, but it needs to be said, you can live your life without sex. You will not die. Society loves to tell us what we have a right to demand, but sex you can live without it. When you are finally married, you will be grateful for having waited. I wish I had.
Be careful what you expose yourself to, both online and in the media. We always say you are what you eat and the same principle is true- you are what you watch, what you listen to, what you consume. Choose wisely. Spend time cultivating real life friendships with men and women. Spend time together that no one has to witness, click on or like. And let the focus of your time be for His glory. There is plenty of time for everything else! Make time to get to know God better now, and He will take care of your tomorrow.
Ew. Do you really want to comment? (I kid.)