When Ugly Betty Gets Married and You Don't.

Over the weekend, one of my Facebook friends from high school (translate: I don’t know her that well) suddenly, out of nowhere it seems, got married. My feed went from bland to bling when it was taken over by bridesmaid and guest photos of the big event. It was enough clickbait to win me- I actually checked her page.  There was no lead up, no pics from the rehearsal dinner, no record of being engaged in her profile deets. It really came out of nowhere to us, her out of touch friends. I was happy for her! Many people were and liked her photos to prove it. In the process, I noticed a comment from a closer friend of mine. “Wow! Congratulations!”

Because you don’t know her, you probably think that means she is happy for the bride.  It wasn’t but 20 minutes later that the same friend called me sobbing. “Can you believe that SHE got married?”

What I haven’t told you is what I know about the bride. And I’m not proud to write this, but it’s everything my friend would soon complain about. This bride was not the cleanest person we know. Her body odor was notorious back then (I assume it’s changed). She was not a pretty girl. She didn’t really have friends but adored people from afar. I remember being nice to her, but definitely she was not part of my regular circle of friends.  These are the things that we worry about most when we are going through the awkwardness of adolescence. We certainly can’t hold adults responsible for their physical changes during youth.

But with this bride…. Little has changed. God forgive me. Photo evidence shows that she is still not a pretty girl, although she has started to wear makeup and jewelry occasionally.  In her tagged group photos, she is still on the end, melting into the background. Even in her wedding photos, she is bent over and cringing with discomfort because she is so rarely the center of attention. Let me be the first to say, what do I know? I could be wrong. She was the one who added me as a friend, and even then, I sighed and gave in. She never misses my birthday and sends me friendly, familiar greetings. She’s nice!  I really am happy that she found someone to love and be loved by. My friend? Not so much.

Not only did she list all the reasons why the bride was not worthy, but she went on to comment about how she doesn’t deserve any of the beautiful details of the wedding, including the handsome groom. ( And just to show that I am indeed human, I did remark to myself that the groom is very handsome and outshines her in every photo. I know that’s not nice. It’s human and I didn’t say anything to anyone about it- but I was thinking it too.) The rant ended with, “I can’t believe she’s married and I’m not.”

I am sure there are some people who would attack my friend at this moment for being selfish and conceited. People who would point their finger at her nasty snide remarks and justify that this is indeed why she is single and the bride married. I don’t agree with my friend trashing the bride based on our scarce knowledge of her adult life. But in this moment, my heart was full of compassion.

It’s hard to watch other people get married and not let it affect your self-esteem.  It doesn’t matter how many times you hear it or read it, but I’m going to echo it again: Your worth as a woman is not determined by whether or not you become a bride.

I know someone is furious reading that, knowing that I am married. I walked down the aisle at 33, incredulous to the last moment that it was actually happening, because I have been disappointed so many times leading up to it. I prayed that once I got married, I would never forget the struggle of love and hate I had with myself as a single woman, especially as I got older. I remember watching how my friends changed once they became Mrs. It was like they had crossed an abyss and could no longer relate to my single joy or pain. I do not want to be that woman.

Having said that, now that I have walked it, I can say that it’s terrible that we still attach our self-worth to whether or not someone has decided to marry us.  It is indeed a source of pride, to be married and happy (knowing that within the course of that relationship, it may not always be the best) but it does not make me any more worthy than I was before. Unlike the bride I mentioned, I can hazard a guess that most people did not see me as a single woman and think that I was defective. I’m not above average, but I grew up knowing I was a pretty girl. I had friends and enjoyed high school. I had boyfriends- not always good ones, but more than two. More than that, as a young adult, I was social and outgoing. I loved Jesus and my church, despite its flaws. To the observer, I spent a lot of time with friends enjoying my life and not waiting for a man in order to live.

But on another level, I WAS waiting. Inside, where no one else is allowed, I was getting sick from hope deferred that maybe I would never get to live, because maybe no one would ever marry me. I was waiting to buy proper dishes and furniture. I was waiting to start having a moisturizing routine (I know that sounds crazy, but what do I care about wrinkles unless someone special is there to keep myself up for?) I was waiting to go on vacation- because while my single girl travels brought me expansion and perspective, I always felt lonely on trips. I was waiting for children (Note: I am still waiting for children! Marriage does not equal immediate pregnancy!). I was waiting for respect from my mother. I knew she wouldn’t respect me until someone decided to put on a ring on it because it was one of the only things she had that I didn’t, and sadly, that’s who she is. It shouldn’t have mattered to her, but it did.

And now to hear my pretty, smart, educated (2 degrees!), witty, loving Christian girlfriend melting down that Ugly Betty got married before her, it broke my heart afresh for my single friends. The bride’s gain is not your loss.  Not every wedding will affect you the same way. Some will be fine, but others will cause you a similar grief, because somehow the value and worth that you give to the bride is resonating with the longing inside of you that cries out, “But God, when?”

I want to assure you that He hears your heart’s cry and has the answer. God is unchanging; I urge you to boldly read His Word and rediscover His characteristics to reassure your troubled heart. Courage, my love. God gave you that desire, it is healthy and real, and painful at times when it is not fulfilled. But He also given you grace and the Holy Spirit to help you manage until that time comes. Being married will not give you healthy confidence if you never had it on your own. If anything, marriage puts pressure on the person you are in order to bring out who you might become. There will be things that you won’t have until your partner comes into your life, but weigh those things carefully, because some of them could easily be had today and enrich your life (I mean dishes or travel. Children? A little more complicated).  And above all, take your heart to God, for regular renewing and repair. Tell Him everything, even the nasty thoughts that you would never say out loud. Ask Him to remove those things from your heart and to give you hope. He is your first love. He is your ultimate husband. Let Him carry you.