Post break-up, I scoured the Internet for help. Lots of websites promised that I could get him to come back if I only bought their e-book. Others tried to trick me into getting on with my life, and make myself better so he would want me back, only by then I wouldn’t care. There were sites full of love spells and potions to buy that would make him come back. And if I didn’t want magic on my own hands, there seemed to be an array of people who were willing to do magic on my behalf for a nominal fee. Thinking back, what a dangerous thing to expose people to when they are at their weakest point and so very vulnerable.
Reddit and similar interactive forums were ripe with stories of heartbreak that made my own wounds seem like scratches. I was so sad for the people who wrote those tragedies. It made me feel better about myself and worse at the same time. Was there no justice in love? How could people openly ruin the lives of others they pledged to love with all their hearts? Won’t someone think of the children?! I combed through these forums, looking for something to give me hope. Instead, my heart hurt for the world.
So from all of my research, I present to you 5 things that will help you survive this time of not knowing what to do. I hope you don’t need it, but we all know someone who just can’t seem to get started on getting back up again. Please pass this along.
1) No contact… no kidding. It is imperative that you stay away from your ex. If he wants to contact you, he knows how but brace yourself- it’s rare that he would get in touch because he regrets breaking up. He may regret not having you in his life. He may regret not having you to engage with intimately. He might feel bad about the way it ended. But most likely, he’s not calling you to mend the relationship. Instead, he wants to be comforted and have his needs met. You must not accept this.
No contact also sets the right mindset for you… it is no longer an option to stay in a place where you might be a possibility. You deserve to be more than an option. Too many times we allow ourselves leave the door open a crack just in case things change, or if we can’t find anyone. You have to stop thinking this way. You will be okay one way or another, and if that thought sends you into further disarray, you might have some traumatic issues bigger than the break-up that need to be dealt with.
No contact hurts. But the mental torment of sending an email or a text, of reaching out and now having to wait to see IF that person will meet you halfway… it’s not worth it. You are giving him the power to keep you in limbo. You are giving away your peace of mind. Stop it.
Find a really good friend and tell her everything. When you are tempted to reach out to him, reach out to her instead. And if you can’t find a friend, please send me an email and let me be that friend for you (secretsfromursister@gmail.com). Good friends hold you up when you can’t do better for yourself. They care for you and they pray for you. I know it’s hard to find good friends, but believe me, this is what keeps you sane when you’re about to crack. And if you can be that friend- be that friend! You never know when you will be the one in need of someone to lean hard into.
2) Put away everything that reminds you of him. I admit, I could not do this all at once, so if you need to go in phases, I understand. And if you’re hardcore like that, do it! Put everything in a bag or a box and either throw it away or put it at the back of a closet, far from access. Photos. Cards. Ticket stubs. Sweaters. Oh Lord, get rid of the sweaters. I remember sleeping with that guy’s sweater until it started to go thin in places. You’re holding onto death. You have to let it go.
It’s okay to be mad at me for saying this! Close the screen and walk away from me. I don’t want you to die, and I’m going to remind you that every time you pick up that article of clothing, or that scrapbook, or that cat- you are bonding with deception. He is not there in those objects. He is not the same person who wrote you those things. He is not the person who posed in the pictures. You were tied to this person, most likely physically and anything that holds weight in the physical world holds weight in the spiritual realm too. You are cutting away a part of yourself- it is bound to hurt, but it will make your spirit better and you will be better for it in the long run. Make it easier by putting things that remind you of him away.
Now some of you have children with this man. That is a whole other story. You cannot put the children away. They are not death, but a constant reminder of why you need to move on- because they deserve the best chance at the best in life, whatever you are able to provide. In fact, you may need to be in contact if kids are in the picture. I think I will handle that in another post. (In a similar tone of caution- please don’t punish your mutual pets for the pain you are feeling. Please keep that cat- you are all it has known of love, and it does not deserve to lose you too.)
3) Stop stalking the man on social media. In fact, we need to talk about your internet usage and what kinds of things you expose yourself to while you are hurting. If you were friends on social media, please delete (yes that means unfriend) and block that man. You are not friends anymore- you can’t be friends with this person until you are so over them, and even then, it’s not a good idea. Thank God that social media now knows that we don’t appreciate waking up and seeing our newsfeeds chocked full of his relational bliss with someone else. You might also consider putting your mutual friends on a restricted list, so that you won’t be tempted to post things hoping that they will communicate with him on your behalf. Hello, I said no contact. This keeps you honest and real. This is you, trusting God and the process. This is you, creating a life preserver to hang onto.
Don’t Google search his name; don’t look up his address on Google maps to see if any cars are in the driveway that you don’t recognize. It’s not your business anymore and these are ways that we torture ourselves. If you have the misfortune of knowing who he is with after you, please leave her alone. It’s easy to be angry with her for pain that he caused you. She has nothing to do with it. I know you think it will all be better if she would just go away- I want to assure you that if it isn’t her, it would be someone else. The man did not want to be with you anymore. He behaved in a way that did not honour or respect you. Or he respectfully declined, and you have to accept that he has the right to choose.
I am asking a lot of you. Most likely, you will not be able to do this cold turkey, but the same way I got tired of holding onto all of this pain while he was free to go live his life, you will eventually realize this is causing you more harm than help. Don’t believe me? One day you wake up and realize that he has moved and you feel panic. Or you find a news story with a picture, and not only do you not recognize anyone in it besides him, but he’s also wearing a ring. You will feel betrayed all over again. In a way, following an ex online feels like control- you still get to see him, even if you can’t interact with him. But digital life is live. As he moves on, it will too and eventually, it will trickle into your feed of online activity. You need to focus on you instead of wasting time on him. I know how hard this is and I'm encouraging you to keep reading this post over and over again. It will save you for further pain in the long run.
4) Practice controlled crying. With grief, we have moments when it’s overwhelming and we cry. This is normal and natural- by all means, express the emotion so it can come out of your system. But do me a favour- stop and check the time when your emotional outpouring starts. It might sounds foolish, but when you stop to check the time, you are making a decision to act ABOVE the way you feel. This sets the tone that yes, you are emotional and you will give it time and space, but it is controllable. Try to notice the time when it’s over as well. This is less important, unless you find yourself inconsolable; in that case I would say set a timer and try to contain your emotions in the allotted time. Who does this stuff, right? I promise this will work. You are teaching yourself self-regulation. You are giving yourself permission to grieve, but not to let grief control you. You are acknowledging your emotions but keeping them in check. This works for school-aged children too, when they are throwing tantrums that seem unending. If it helps, set a timer with a reasonable limit, and try to stay within that time.
The buzzword we use nowadays is self-regulation. When we are hurt, we want to be wild and subject to our emotions, but the healthy way to handle pain is learning strategies that help you prevail despite your feelings. Feel free to look that one up.
5) Don’t do anything you will regret- physically and spiritually. Eventually you will want to cut your hair- wait for the grief to subside. If you’ve been grieving for a long time, maybe it’s time to cut that hair. Now is not the time for tattoos and piercings. Please do not get a new tattoo or piercing to represent the relationship- I know a lot of people do that thinking it will bring “closure” to the experience. All you are doing is creating an indelible mark that will tie you spiritually to the situation forever. Our physical actions have spiritual consequences; all you are doing is writing in neon paint on your spirit that TOMMY WAS HERE. Now all of the negative spirits that know Tommy hang around your soul and make you feel worse.
Resist the urge to curse your ex. You will have to give account for your words one day, and God forbid that something you say reverses on you. I know, you’re in pain. But I also know that you’re an adult, and you don’t get to keep lashing out just because you’re hurt. When you are with your good friend, you are safe to discuss the relationship and speak freely. Beyond that, try not to speak of this person in a bad way. It’s a little thing that goes a long way.
You will not get your ex back. Do not pay people on the Internet who are promising you that they can do that. I am writing this because I know what it’s like to be so low and desperate that love spells, potions and casters sound good. This will never have good returns. There is a very real enemy out there who hates all human beings, because you are created unique and loved by God. You cannot control the spiritual consequences of these actions, and this is why when you are vulnerable, interaction with the occult can hurt you more than you are aware of. You might do something and see a small result- for example, let’s say you repeat a spell and your ex calls. This is not your ex coming back to you, this is just a phone call, motivated by a spirit. So now you start to dabble further, because you are desperate and you want the pain to end and for the relationship to be restored. And! You are starting to entertain thoughts that maybe this is working. Somethings work, others don’t; but now you’ve found a way to prolong your pain and give you false hope. Before you know it, you’re trying to find ways to pay big bucks for spell casters to work on your behalf. All the while, you are incurring damage on a spiritual level- damage that you can’t see, so it’s easy to forget that it is there.
Would it really make you happy to get your ex back… even if it’s against his will? Is it worth it to have him respond to you like a robot, because that was what you paid for? I once heard a story of a woman who did something to her husband’s food every day to keep him coming back to her. One day, she forgot to do it, and the man looked at her with brand new eyes. Incredulous, he demanded to know who she was. Is that the kind of love you want? I don’t think so.
We want to be loved and cherished, but we also want to be chosen. When someone asks you to marry them, it is because they choose you above all others. They make a decision to choose you every day. They choose you even when times are hard, and you disagree. True love is fueled by forgiveness and continuous choice. Your ex is your ex for a reason and even if down the road you end up together in a healthy relationship, it will only happen once you have been through this process and can see yourself clearly again.
Next week’s post will be about not being able to let go, inordinate affections and soulties. In the meantime, I welcome your comments below!