This series is one that you I hope you send your girlfriends, regardless of what they believe. We all know that sister who really doesn’t think she’s ever going to get over him. If you think this is the balm in Gilead she needs, please please, copy the link and send it.
I have been devastated. A woman, who lost everything. I have sat with ashes on my head, and torn my garments to shreds; an Old Testament style of mourning. I know what it’s like to think I can’t possibly move from this place. And I never asked to be here. Because there are things in life that will break your heart, and then there are things that threaten to break your very sense of self.
There are some people who fall into good relationships so easily. That seemed to be everyone but me. It was the deepest longing of my heart, and as such I did everything I could to keep secret how badly I wanted to be loved and cherished by someone. Yes, there was abuse in my childhood. No, I didn’t think it affected me. Although I was loved by my parents, I never had a healthy understanding of what love should look like. They never spoke of a future where I would one day be in relationship with another person. With my schoolyard friends, I tried to imagine what it would be like to have a boyfriend, to be liked by someone, but even then I felt it was for someone else and not me.
Once I was older and my social circle was established, it only seemed natural that I would be with someone, but it secretly led to such angst, I sabotaged every opportunity. I pined for emotionally unavailable boys because I knew there was no chance I would ever have to deal with them. On one hand, I wasn’t sure I could bring anything much to someone else’s life. On the other hand, I was determined not to settle for less than what I thought I deserved. Looking back, I now can see that I relied on friends to tell me who was worthy. And once we were there, past the initial awkwardness of early dating, I would tell myself that I had to make sure this worked because everyone esteemed this man to be the best, and I was flawed, not him. In short, there was no love.
But then I found love. The real kind that makes the air smell better and takes away your appetite. The kind that gives you a permasmile and makes you pinch yourself to make sure it isn’t a dream. And in spite of my worst fears, it lasted! Days! Weeks! Months. A year. Two years. Yes, it was good. Consistently good, no real roller coasters or threats to separate. I began to believe in ever after. I heard words that promised forever. I began to believe that ever after was for me. It was a new feeling, but I figured I had earned it with all of the bad stuff I had been through.
Nothing can prepare you for the crash of your significant other leaving. It sends your system into shock, the kind that needs to be treated. I made myself sick with worry and the question why. I was determined to fix it. I didn’t understand that he was already in another place, with another person. I felt like I was lying flat on my face, the rug having been pulled out from under me. I was humiliated and would be every time that I had to answer to my friends and family where he was, and why we would not be getting married. I wanted to demonize him and have people jump on my side and defend me, but I knew that he was well loved and accepted in my social circles so at first I kept quiet. No one came to my defense, and it felt like additional betrayal. I began to open my mouth and give voice to the nasty. But never to his face because part of me was sure he would be back eventually!
Inside, I was broken. I felt rejected, and this was made worse by the fact that he already had someone else lined up to take my place. I made her an object of hate. I compared myself to her and came out on top every time, except he chose her and not me. I wanted him to pick me up and put me back together again. I didn’t realize that he was really gone from my life, and I kept waiting for him to call. I would stare at the phone and will it to ring. Oh girl. Those were some days I can never get back. My soul, my spirit, longed to be reconciled to him. I made a whole new set of vows to God of what I would do differently, if only He would fix this. I refused to see that this other person had a will of his own, and that his choice was not me.
When that started to sink in, bitterness consumed me. How dare he walk and live and breathe on the same planet as me? I began to wish for horrible things to happen to him. Hatred begat hatred inside of me. I began to hate God too. How could God be trusted to do anything for my benefit if He couldn’t fix this one thing for me? And later, when it happened again to me, how could I trust a God who had seen what happened to me before and landed me back here? Don’t even. I said nasty things about him whenever I had an audience. I followed him on social media, even when he tried to block me. When I saw pics of his new life and success, I seethed and cried and forced myself to look at them again and again. It never helped and yet I couldn’t tear myself away.
When that phone call finally came, I spoke in cautious tones. I was thrilled to finally hear his voice again. Then I realized he was calling to tell me that he was married now. The rug was pulled once more. I had to find a way to get back up again, and it couldn’t be the same as before, because living with all of that hurt was killing me. It made my spirit sick. I was not myself.
Are you at the end of that hurt yet? Have you held it in for so long that you don’t know who you are apart from it? I have a friend from high school who decided that if she couldn’t marry her sweetheart, she would not marry and here we are 18 years later, still carrying a torch, fueled by grief. He married a girl who could have been her identical twin. Her heart is cold to everyone and everything. She does not hope for anything anymore. Are you making this kind of vow, to never get over this monumental event?
I want to tell you that God sees your pain. It is real, and it hurts Him too. There is a way through this, but no one can help you get there until you have had enough of the grief. I remember the people who commented that my grief had gone on for too long. They didn’t understand where I was in my process. If you are still too fresh in your grief, I wish you the best and encourage you to find comfort in bereavement materials. That’s right. Go to the bookstore and find books on grief and the grieving process. Although he lives, you have to mourn the loss of your expectations and disappointment. Don’t let anyone tell you that your grief is not comparable to death - they don’t know you, and I don’t want you to lose as much time as I did.
Having said that- I am willing to admit to you now that I have lost at least 3 years in my late 20s to deep grief. I didn’t think that I would continue to live, it was so bad at times. The only thing that brought me comfort were resources meant for widows. I promised that one day, I would share what actually worked for me and here it is.
Nothing will ever bring that time back! I shed so many tears, some unnecessarily. I was determined to hold on to that pain for as long as I could, because I thought that the best had passed me and now all I could expect was to cling to memories of how I had once been loved. I did not entertain thoughts that anyone- including God- could ever love me again. My grief didn’t have to go on as long as it did, but I chose it.
Today I want to encourage you to let that old relationship go. Purpose that in your heart, and I will share with you the things that helped me get through. It’s a good thing that you don’t know me, sis! You would wonder if this story is really mine. I host such happiness and joy in my daily life, there is no trace of this despair I once knew. I am known for my smile and my open heart. I couldn’t be this person if God had not healed me from that broken engagement. I wouldn’t be this person if I had not allowed Him in. Check in with me as we go through this series on heartbreak and disappointment.
Break the silence! Tell me about your breakup below in the comments.