I have to admit that after this happened, I could not stop thinking of you. And I can’t think of a better way to say that this is the kind of love I want you to wait for. Here’s what happened:
While preparing a birthday gift for a dear friend, I went into my boxes to find photos of us over the years. What a bittersweet moment, sis. The more I looked at those photos, the more I realized time is passing without my permission. I remember standing there, posing, seeing the flash… and now it’s documented history. An exercise that was meant to show the strength of our friendship turned into a reality check for me that I don’t look the way I used to. (To be fair, I don’t look BAD now. But I can see how my face is changing, how much hair I’ve lost, how much grayer I am, and it just doesn’t line up with what I feel my age is inside.) I struggled with the moment- I think that’s what it’s going to be from here on out, occasional moments of confrontation with the truth, and struggling with it until it absconds, and I go back to carving myself new laugh lines because I’m happy. I’m mentioning all of this to let you know that my guard was down, and I was already feeling a little blue.
I came upon my wedding photos, and now I started looking at my mother. A bright thought came to me- when she was forty, what was she doing, and how did she look? My husband was sitting nearby, so I asked him because he does the math in our house, what year my mom would have been forty. When he told me, I flipped back into my mental scrapbook of that time in our lives, looking for memories of her. They didn’t turn out to be good ones.
My next not-so-bright thought was, when did my mom start liking me? My computer was already open, years of photos just a click away. I began thinking and looking back. “What year was my mom fifty?” Hubby answered. I puzzled more. Finally, he asked me what I was looking for.
“I don’t know,” I sighed, “I was trying to figure out when my mom started liking me.” As soon as I said it, I realized the answer was when I got married. I told my husband I was going to go shower.
Sisters, harsh reality was hitting me on multiple levels. As an afterthought, I am telling you now, I didn’t realize that I cry in the shower. When I feel pain, I have become so accustomed to turning up the taps so the sound of the water drowns out my sobs. I can’t even tell you when this started. But this time would be different. I got into the tub, took a deep breath, spoke the truth, and began to cry.
Suddenly, I heard heavy footsteps and the curtain pulled back violently. I gasped, there stood my husband, but only for a moment. The water was still running, and he got into the tub, fully clothed, arms extended to hold me. I pushed him back until I realized that he had heard me and could not stand to let me cry by myself.
I felt ridiculous, but his face was so soft and kind, and he held me. He soothed me. He told me to let it out, it was okay, and I was safe. My face was dry now- I was in shock and ashamed, to have been discovered and now here he was, getting wet, just because I was sad.
Then came the voice of the Holy Spirit, who had orchestrated a commercial break on TV, right before the water began to burst forth, revealing my secret. Just let me love you. My husband held me, and I grieved that I had gone unloved for so long. At the same time, the Trinty was in the tub with me, holding me, and healing me from this wound.
As I closed my eyes, I saw my husband in his tuxedo, just like on our wedding day, climbing into that tub to hold me. The wedding is nothing without the bridegroom, and there is no bridegroom without the bride. I didn’t look like a bride that day, but in my heart, I felt like one. This is exactly what the Apostle Paul meant when he wrote that a husband should love his wife as Christ loves the church (Ephesians 5:25). The ruined suit means nothing! There is no wedding without me! And this is how I am meant to be loved!
Later at service, we sang in worship everyone’s favourite torch song, Reckless Love. I took a deep breath to belt out that beautiful line, “Oh it chases me down/fights til I’m found/ Leaves the 99” and I felt like an apple hit me on the head.
That day, I was the one that Christ chased after, to overcome me with His love.
I was pursued and discovered, literally naked and ashamed, and restored to the One who loves me.
He took the pain away and reminded me to tell you,
This is the love worth waiting for!
Of course I mean the love of God, but also, when you are getting engaged and saying I do, you have no idea how marriage will undo you! How there will be moments of such deep vulnerability and exposure. And when no one is looking, when it just the two of us, I can honestly say that my husband loves me the way Christ loves me. Because of this, he is often the vehicle that God uses to minister to me as I open myself to minister to others.
Oh my, my. More than anything sister, this is the love I want for you to experience.