Sis, my whole life people have been giving me advice on how to find a man to marry. I don't know if it's because of my strong personality, or my love of school that they felt I needed to know, but every trick in the book has been passed on to this girl. I've had people tell me to make a list of desirable traits and put the list in my bible to pray on it. Less faithful suggested sleeping on tiny favour boxes of wedding cake (by morning, only crumbs would be left). I was told to not settle for the first proposal no matter what, and to accept the man who loves me more than I love him.
Once I was engaged, I heard a new set of parables from my married friends. Most of them who were happily married did not think they would have married the one they ended up with. Many had stories of extravagant love that ended in disaster before meeting Mr. Right. All agreed that the love was different than they thought it would have been, as it ripened, it grew into something more sturdy and enduring.
My pastor says be the person that you want to marry. You want someone handsome, faithful and sporty? Be that person and you will attract that person. I think there is some truth to this, if I could modify it, I would say, start again at zero. Don't esteem yourself to be all that and a bag of chips, instead be humble and ask God to help you see what things in your personality need smoothing out if not all out changing.
I think I esteemed myself too highly- but I am sure that came about after being single for a long time. I simply got used to having everything my way and doing everything for myself. I had real problems accepting help from anyone, especially men. One day I argued with one of my colleagues because he offered to bring some boxes up two flights of stairs. "Why can't you just let me help you?" He asked quietly, with a gentle look on his face. It stayed with me, they way things stay in your mind when you know you are wrong.
My platonic male friends really helped me see why I was a great girl, but a bad partner. Some of the sharp things they identified in my personality hurt my feelings to hear about, but in the end I can say God used those experiences to teach me how to respect men. We don't think about respecting men. We think more about men disrespecting us. If I asked you right now for tangible strategies to use when showing respect to man, I bet you would give me things that relate to common decency, and this is not enough! But that's another topic for another day.
Having heard every bit of advice in the book, I offer you five tidbits that have held true for me and the girls I know who are happily married. There is no formula, no magic wand to wave... All relationships are work and we have to commit to being in it for the good and bad.
Let's go:
1. Look at how he treats his mother. This is really important. Most men have a tender place in their hearts for their mothers. How that translates into action will tell you a lot about a man's heart and capacity for love. Of course there are relationships that are strained and fractured because of the blows that life has dealt, but put those aside: generally, how a man responds to his mother, how he tends to her and how he speaks to her will be echoed your relationship. Of course it's different- you and your beau have passion and romantic feelings. But remember my comment about sturdy love? Sturdy love wipes the egg off of your face and then tells you you're beautiful (although a messy eater- but with hollandaise sauce, who can blame you).
2. Listen to his use of language. Let me stay with the image of mum for a moment. Many men have wonderful things to say about their mothers. Less of them follow up those words with loving actions. There are men who are eloquent and love to talk,but their words are empty. First I look at actions, but then I start to listen to what this man's words actually say. Are they in line with what I expect a Godly man to say? When faced with crisis, is he hopeful and positive, or does he right away go to talk of defeat? When he is angry, would he risk saying something damaging in order to win a fight? The bible says that life and death lie in the power of the tongue (proverbs 18:21). You want to be with someone who speaks life to your situation no matter what is going on. You want someone who can see the reality, but speak by faith. God gave Adam the power to name all the animals- your man has power too to speak to your situations. Look for someone who is not petty and does not resort to low blows or saying things that can't be taken back. You may need to establish in arguing with each other what topics are off-limits.
3. Priorities. What comes first in this man's life? Now second... And third? Is he aware of his priorities and does he reflect on them from time to time? Does he take time to serve you before taking food for himself? I will never forget a time when I was at a wedding and some trouble broke out in the parking lot of the reception hall. I asked my brother and my husband to come with me to speak to those involved, and my brother's wife decided to come with us. As we drew nearer to the loud voices, I watched in horror as my brother hung back and gently guided his wife in front of him- towards danger. My husband abruptly stood in front of her, but I couldn't believe that I had seen my own brother do this. I want to stress to you that he is not a bad guy, but more than once I've seen him put his own needs ahead of everyone else. Sometimes, people can change but observing what he values and places high esteem on will help you determine if you can someday partner with this person.
4. Money. Sister let me tell you! I keep telling myself that this isn't important when really it is. Be real and upfront or cry later- it's up to you! It is imperative that before you get into a serious relationship with someone you find out about their financial history. You should also be forthcoming as to what kind of assets and debt you bring to the table. Attitudes towards spending, as well as guilt and shame concerning one's financial history will come out eventually, and by then you are further into debt than you anticipated because there was never any discussion on who was doing what with what funds. Sigh. I am still figuring my way through this, so let me know if you have advice to give!
5. Fun. There was a night when my future husband broke down in shame, and told me I should find someone better than him. I was shocked to find out that those words were motivated by feelings of insecurity because I was perfect. And indeed, I was (close, I think). But I realized that night that I had to remember to toss of my carefully postured girlfriend ideal and eat ribs sometimes. When I became comfortable with being silly, I noticed my husband enjoyed my delight on a whole new level. I can't speak for you, but I was raised in a world where girls like me were warned not to laugh too loud or talk too much. Always carry a purse- and remember to keep it stocked up! I may still look super put together on the outside, but it's nice for my husband to see me relax and have fun now and then.
It isn't easy to find someone. I remember signing up for eHarmony and after painstakingly filling out their huge questionnaires, they asked me if I could compromise my requests, because I literally had no matches. But who God has for you you can't rush or miss, as long as you stay tuned into the Holy Spirit, He will be your guide. Spend this time alone working on bettering yourself. In the long run, it will pay off. And please feel free to generate some discussion in the comments below.