This is the fourth part of a series responding to an article that went viral about why millennials don’t attend church and what the church can do to solve this. Part 3 dealt with the argument that the church does not do enough for the poor.
When I look back over my life and the things I’ve done, I have always had a deep intrinsic sense of where I was needed. For many years, I worked with underprivileged children. Then I moved my efforts to working with adolescents, particularly those at risk for dropping out and getting into trouble. All of that work was tiring but deeply rewarding. I was happy to see kids turn into teens who grew and would be thriving young adults.
That’s when I noticed things going awry. Some of my kids who graduated happy and hopeful were coming back to me to say the world isn’t what you promised it would be. To be clear, I never promised them a rose garden. I tried to impress on them the need to work hard, especially in those first few years, and volunteer and learn as much as possible while pursuing higher education.
The low motivation was not due to lack of success; by all appearances, grades were low but stable, and could grow into actualized potential. But their hearts were broken faster than I anticipated, and ONE THING, whatever that thing would be, seemed to be the loose Jenga block that brought down the tower.
Millennials were not hatched. They were born into a changing world, and they are the result of a lot of the fears of older generations coupled with the challenges of a new world.
I knew that God wanted me to mentor young adults, but it is easier to eat a cactus than get involved with this. I say this as someone who is rooting for your generation: you drive me crazy, not in a good way. There is a reason why your relationships are in such discord, but many of you don’t have the humility to admit that not everything is perfect and indeed, you need help. So I gingerly stepped out, bracing myself to be burned, and started to work with my not so little ones to get them back on track. It didn’t take long for me to figure out the root of their issues. Finding a way to convey that message was much harder, first to say and second, for them to hear.
I am currently mentoring young adults in person and online. I am helping them exercise and in some case develop social skills. I am helping them understand their behavior in a cognitive way, teaching coping strategies that fight depression, anxiety and impulsivity. It is the hardest work I have ever done and not been paid for. Many times, I walk away with my hands up! Of course, they don’t know this- it wouldn’t help. But I am talking about it today because you need to know your generation is not easy to deal with.
You would think mentoring would help me deal with millenials in my day to day life. No way! Millennials in the workplace are my number one gripe. We think differently, and I don’t always want to accommodate all of your ways. There are times when we both need to step out of the comfortable way of receiving and just do what needs to be done.
You better believe that viral post on why your people are leaving church burned me up. Again, you want so much and are not thinking of what you have to be willing to give. So I am skipping ahead a little to answer the section titled, we want to be mentored, not preached at. Some points:
1) You need good preaching! And when I say that, I don’t mean that good always means you like it and it makes you feel good. You need the venue of church to teach you, encourage you and applaud you when you hold on to the Biblical principles that have endured through time. The Bible is always relevant. If you took the time to read it, you might realize that, but then again, the Bible is not a search engine that will just give you what you need to know in140 characters or less. Good preaching cuts your soul. It makes you reckon with your love of God and the state of your life. It inspires and motivates. I believe that God wants us to prosper, but I don’t believe that you need to hear that every week. You do need a church and a pastor who can do the sometimes dirty work of holding up a mirror and showing you what you look like on the inside.
2) You have to be willing to listen and try stuff out. The mentees who I have been successful in helping show 100% buy in. They trust that I am not wasting their time, and that I have no intention or ulterior motive to cause them pain or rejection. Once that’s established, if they lean into the strategies and report back accurate data, we can usually find strategies that are effective. When I have uncommitted mentees who don’t do the homework, I let them go with love and hope that they find someone they can share their life with. Because that’s the essence of this relationship: it’s sharing life. It is a little more one-sided, but it also is building a beautiful friendship. For the moment, I don’t mentor people I don’t like. This isn’t my full-time job and that’s tiring on a whole new level.
3) Mentoring is not parenting, and often millennials mistake a mentor as a new person to take out their anger and frustration on. We are not here to be educated by you. I know all of your politically correct rhetoric, and I am going to love you anyway. I won’t give into your manipulative tactics, but I also won’t beg you to let me help you. This ties into another need that was brought up in that article, the need to be valued. You will be valued once you have done something that requires acknowledgement. You have me kicking myself for every undeserved participation award I ever made or gave away. It’s not enough to just show up. That’s why your life isn’t moving.
4) You have to be honest. Your generation loves to analyze data- well try applying that to your life. Be honest and be willing to first accept the data for what it is and next, to consider multiple perspectives in how to proceed. The hard part is that there are no magical solutions. There are no apps, no shakes, no 21 day fixes. The tools and methods that I offer are super old school and not sexy at all. This can be frustrating to young people who are used to getting everything when they want. What I am doing is offering strategies on how to develop spiritual disciplines in your life and that will help you cope with whatever life throws your way. We deal with crises carefully, triage and bandage you, and love you until you’re ready to get going again. I’m not even getting paid for this- I gain nothing except knowing that I am doing what God created me to do, which is awesome!
Not everyone is meant to mentor, especially to this particular age group, It’s harder than dealing with other groups of people. I find that socially, there are similarities between single women who are 30 plus and millennials when it comes to connecting to people. And so that explains this blog- a non-threatening way for someone to ask questions, peruse answers, and think about how we can live for Christ victoriously in such strange, difficult times.
I know that you want good mentorship from your church. You have to understand that systems take time to change, and dealing with the perculiarities of the millennial generation will take time for people to get used to. Take for example, tough love. If someone gives you tough love and you don’t feel like receiving it, you will become a victim and claim that you are being preached at. But sometimes, the right amount of pressure and tough love snaps you out of your comfort zone long enough to try something new, so it works. Because your generation tends to give up easily, you won’t be willing to stick it through with that mentor, or worse yet you’ll add it to your ever-growing list of triggers and assign blame to the church for damaging your self-esteem. You can’t be surprised that people are not breaking down the door trying to mentor you. If you want to be mentored, show yourself to be teachable. It will go a long way towards helping your life walk and will help clear your eyes so you can see what God wants from you.