In church when I was a child, I heard an old preacher say that a Christian would always remember that moment when they gave their life to Christ; that the story of how they came to know Jesus personally. The most radical encounter in the Bible IMHO is that of the apostle Paul, who was once a torturer of Christians. On his way to Damascus, Paul sees Jesus in all his glory and his life is forever changed. Beautiful, isn't it?
For years I felt guilty because I didn't have a story like that. In fact, I was forced to accept Jesus on a regular basis by my mother, who was convinced I was a demon child, and as such, I have so many sinners prayer moments, I don't know which one really took.
Here's what I remember: I remember clearly in grade 3, while being bullied terribly by my peers, standing between portable 2 and 3 at school and saying to God inside me, "If you get me to grade 6, I promise you I'll live for you." I remember in grade 6, having had a horrible day, and while changing my clothes I sat on the bed, and started singing a worship song from church over and over, until I had enough peace to walk out and start my chores. I remember in grade 7, when I was the social butterfly and my marks were dropping, knowing that God said to me, "This isn't the girl I made and fell for. What changed?" I remember crying while reviewing the times over that year that I denied being a Christian and I was desperate to be accepted as cool.
I don't even have a beautiful, authentic baptism story to tell. Having been afraid of water my whole life, it wasn't something I was thinking about. When I turned 13, I clearly remember the threatening look on my mother's face when she explained that I was going to be baptized whether I liked it or not, she had already spoken to our pastor. Poor guy had no clue that I never asked for it, rather was forced into it. When they told me I had to testify first, I panicked because I had nothing to say. My mother's eyes boring through me, I am sure I made something up on the spot... but I look back and think, she stole my choice to wait until I was ready and had a real testimony to give. I was dunked and lived to tell, but I was also embittered. I remember her presenting me gifts that night, which was something that she didn't do often. Everything was marked, On Your Confirmation, and I was thinking this wasn't a confirmation of anything. "Why do I get gifts?" I asked. "Because you did the right thing and chose to be baptized." I clearly remember narrowing my eyes, and guilt forcing her to leave my room. "That child still has the devil in her, " she muttered, embarrassed because she knew what she had done was wrong. And inside me, I was daring God now to show me what would change now that I was baptized.
And so we went on, in this fair-weather relationship of when things were good, I would tell Him I loved Him, and when things were bad, I would tell Him off. For YEARS. I left the church to explore other religions when I was 16. My parents were mortified. And finally, in the end when I had successfully moved out on my own, and I felt alone in the world, God reminded me that He was still there and loved me. I felt so guilty for all the things that I had done during that embittered time (chief of all was losing my virginity). So I decided to go back to a church of my choosing. And I chose one of the hardest, strictest, because I wanted to be beaten for the things I had done to screw up my life in between age 15 to 20.
I remember in my early 20s, bawling my eyes out every Sunday, until one day the Holy Spirit clearly said to me, "I don't know why you're crying. I'm not the one beating you up here." I remember that made me angry! Here I am, sacrificing my life for you God, and you have the nerve to throw it back in my face?!
It was only then that I learned how to love God; when I understood He wasn't mad at me, and He wasn't trying to punish me. The moment I let go of those concepts, I felt lighter and at peace. And then I could start to try this love thing.
To my teenaged peeps reading this: anyone can be your boy-friend. The difference between a friendship and romantic relationship is when you have this feeling that you have been chosen by this boy and also, he is the one you would choose! Then you get stars in your eyes (again, one of the reasons why y'all spend so much time looking at each other). And when only one person does the choosing, you quickly see how that imbalance throws the relationship off to the point where the couple breaks up.
I remember the moment I realized God wasn't my enemy and eternal punisher. It was the first time I said, "I love you" and meant it. But still, I didn't FEEL love! I felt empty but peaceful. I began to say I love you to Him every morning and night before bed. I started hearing myself say I love you inside while taking a long walk, or working out at the gym. I started singing it to Him... I remember the day when I was in the kitchen, cooking, and I was singing Mary J. Blige's song, Everything. When I got to the part "you are everything/and everything is you" I realized, HEY, that's like me and God! So I started singing the song TO HIM... and although it wasn't a hymn or a worship song, I remember feeling like not only did He accept my praise, but that it delighted Him.
After that, I kept finding myself looking up, and just thinking of what I must look like to God right now. And this is where the feelings of lovey dovey happiness started sneaking in.
Let me be clear- things happened after that day that set our relationship back. But the memory of feeling that love after confessing it with my words so long reminded me that nothing can separate us from His love (Romans 8:38). The more I read the word, the more I felt the love. The more I prayed to Him, the more love I felt.
When I was 25, I moved far away from home. And as a single woman, this lead to the mostly loneliness I had ever felt. It was in this season that my love became exuberant. I was finally loving God the way I had witnessed other people loving Him. It was tangible, heart-felt and authentic. I fell in love with Him all over again. He made me happy. He took me out to dinner when I had nothing (i.e., he used people to bless me when my cupboards were bare). He graced me with the job I wanted, until I was ready to take the job He intended to give me. He is patient, He is kind, a la 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. He taught me how to love and be forgiving in love.
In this freedom, He guided me through the pain of letting go of things that had kept my heart broken for a long time. It was a long process, but I understand now that even if its long, it's worth it. Even if you can't feel it right now, I want you to try and understand it and reflect it back to Him: God loves you and longs for you to tell Him that you feel the same way. Listen to my song and think about it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5nZueSZRJrA
Church, we have to explain the thoughts above feelings thing sooner. All that flowery language doesn't answer the question, how do I love when I feel no love? Minister to someone on this today.