I am so angry at my boyfriend’s sister, it’s taking me over. It’s clear that I can’t stand her and she can’t stand me. All of this came from a bad fight we had a year ago. I don’t forgive her for the things she said about me- those words can never be taken back. I keep reading that I’m supposed to forgive her, but I don’t know how to do that. What do you suggest?
Dear Sister,
Forgiveness is one of the hardest practices to learn, and even once you’ve got the hang of it, to do it regularly requires you to be humbled over and over again. It’s been a year since the incident, but you are still holding onto those negative emotions and I imagine they rise up when you have to see her (because by relationship, she is still a part of your life). There are two parts to this: the forgiveness process and then how you handle future encounters with this person.
Forgiveness is a choice, one that we are encouraged to make frequently and generously ( Matthew 18:21-22). I would make a point during my prayer time to speak aloud that I forgive the person. I might think of the situation, and picture myself placing it at the foot of the cross, and again, say that I forgive her. For a first step that might be enough.
Sometimes while you are working your way to forgiveness, you don’t feel better right away. I’m remembering a time when I was insulted by a church elder who I felt meant to embarrass me. I walked away and thought, I don’t know how I am going to love this lady, God. In fact, that night, I was in my bed crying, asking God to help me forgive her. I was so angry! I had to get that anger out of my system, and who better to tell it to than my pal Jesus. I found later my thoughts were turning away from being embarrassed and more towards what her motive might be. What if she didn’t mean to do it, but it just happened? Nope, I thought, not good enough. But what if she embarrassed me because she felt insecure? It still didn’t make it right, but that seemed closer to the truth. I fell asleep and didn’t give her another thought until I had to see her the next Sunday!
Practice forgiveness in your words and in your mind. See yourself forgive the person, even if s/he is unrepentant. See yourself placing him/her in Jesus’ hands. Imagine yourself greeting this person civilly the next time you will see him/her. Listen to yourself say that you forgive this person, out loud. I sometimes look into the mirror, right into my eyes and test out my feelings and reactions to saying and hearing those words. This is what works for me. (Readers, I encourage you to comment below on strategies you use to practice forgiveness.)
There have been big things that I had a hard time forgiving- same process, it just took longer to get there. Also depending on what wrongs were committed, I struggled hard with letting go of hurt. At those times I benefitted from having a close friend who was not connected to the situation to talk to. It’s important to say that my friend supported having a Christian response to the problem. She did not let me dwell in self-pity, nor did she participate in gossip. She listened, and then encouraged me to let it go and let God take care of it.
Next time you see your boyfriend’s sister, I hope that you will be able to be civil to her. You may still feel anger and hurt- that’s normal. But you must remind yourself (in the bathroom mirror) that you have forgiven her, and that the past is the past. It will take time, but I encourage you to keep it up in prayer.
Your Sister