Sis, you know how I flow… I wait for Holy Spirit to draw my attention to something and when He speaks to me about it, I start to craft these posts. This one is on a good topic that I see coming up more and more. I invite your comments and questions, even if it’s resistance. I believe that there is much to be cleared up about this topic and I do feel equipped to give some pretty solid answers.
If you’re familiar with the website, you will also know that I do a lot of mentoring of new believers and Christians who are facing a lot of challenges. I am someone who will meet with them, talk to them, listen to their hearts and pray for them. Some of this work is mentoring, and a few times, it has gone above that into the realm of spiritual parenting (to be clear, I am the parent and the person receiving is a spiritual son or daughter). I believe that mentorship is essential for new Christians to learn how to live and walk according to the words of Christ. But I also believe that we are sometimes assigned for a season or more a mature Christian brother or sister who loves and accompanies us in our walk with God, and God uses this person and relationship to sometimes intervene in a leading way in our lives. This is the difference between mentoring and spiritual parenting.
I have heard of spiritual parents most often in African churches, and sometimes other heavily Charismatic churches or apostolic traditions. The pastor and his wife are referred to lovingly as Mom and Dad. Sometimes it is not a couple but just an individual. In my culture, we grow up with many aunties and uncles who are not actually our aunties and uncles, but when you as a young person connect with someone Christian who is living it well and can identify with things you are facing, you are likely to seek out their company and advice. Recently, I have seen and heard the language of spiritual parenting in a lot of mainstream white/multicultural churches. But when I look and see who is being called “mummy” “daddy”, I am left perplexed. I am going to say this with modesty, because I am not perfect: there are people who are calling themselves spiritual mothers and fathers and they are living in spiritual messes. When I hear it, I’m usually quiet, because who am I to judge, but I am seeing how this thing is taking a dangerous turn, where people are now gift large amounts of money and goods to these parents, and it’s not warranted. Keep reading so I can explain.
I have two spiritual mothers and no spiritual father, although in my history, there have been some solid men of God who have pointed me in the right direction (my biological father being is the foremost). On earth, I have a good relationship with my father. There are challenges as there would be with any relationship, but overall, he has been loving and supportive of me. My mother is another story altogether. Although with plenty of grace and forgiveness, we have been able to have some very candid conversations where we discuss what has happened. There are still moments when my heart cannot receive her love, or it has no memory of what a mother’s love should feel like. I don’t know if this strained relationship is the reason why God provided for me two women who have loved me, rooted for me and also disciplined me when I needed it. They invited me to ask them questions about love, life and God that no one else made space for. They inspired me to be more available to you, to hopefully help steer you away from some of the traps that the enemy lays for God’s kids. They have stood with me in hard times, not even physically near me, but I always knew that they had my back in prayer. Even now, they still look in on me from time to time, and if I need anything and ask to speak, they will rearrange life to make sure that I have enough time.
God has used these two lovely ladies to discern my motives at times. I submit to them for discipline, and what that means is if they think I am going off in an errant direction, or if pride is starting to rear its ugly head, I have given them permission to confront me and question me. I do this because I want to be accountable to the people I minister to. I want to maintain a high quality of service to others, and for that to happen, I need to maintain the garden of my own heart first. Both of these women love me enough to gently lead in those discussion when the time for it arises. They do not delight in my downfall, equally, they do not inflate my ego. Whenever I bring a situation to them, they get quiet and ask the Holy Spirit what to say next. It could be that because of all that’s going on in the situation, I am missing something that God will bring out in our conversations together.
I call them for advice, when it’s needed. I had to learn not to run to them for everything all the time, but instead, to use their help as a treasured lifeline. We certainly consult on big decisions and sometimes, I bring up non-spiritual things. I too have come to know their personalities and quirks, and I know when they are speaking to me as a spiritual mother versus as a human who has preferences and opinions of her own.
Making the decision to let these women know that I think of them as a spiritual mother was no easy thing. It felt as intimate as telling a romantic partner “I love you” for the first time. When I said it, it was acknowledged in a somber way, and we moved on with our business. I don’t start every sentence with “my spiritual mother”, this is a sacred connection and I honour them by treating them with respect. I certainly pray for them, and when I can bless them with gifts or contributions I do, but only as God allows me. In no way am I paying them for interceding on my behalf or trying to win favour. I am deeply grateful for all of the time they have both sacrificed in helping me reach my potential and when I have a chance to show that gratitude I do.
Here is a summary of what I’ve been seeing and hearing that has me concerned:
1) People who are quick to refer to themselves as spiritual parents don’t really understand the cost. Parenting is a huge responsibility and if you think the spiritual raising of baby Christians is easy, you’re wrong. Everything that you say and do, you will give an account for one day, particularly with God’s kids. Handle with care.
2) People who aren’t living solid and mature Christian lives but want to be popular. So I know that none of us are perfect, and you can’t wait to be perfect before you mentor, but I also see that people who want to readily have the respect and popularity of being a spiritual parent too often lack in consistently living for Christ. As harsh as this sounds, I am disappointed by so many people I have met in ministry who lack direction and basic credibility when it comes to living for Christ, but also living responsibly as stewards of all that God gives. In a day and age where people are eager to follow, it’s too easy to be swept away but what looks good on the surface but doesn’t actually translate to solid Christianity.
3) Spiritual sons and daughters who assign/ascribe spiritual parentage as part of acting out the effects of trauma. I know that I wrote that my relationship with my mother has left me needing more love in that area, but I want to emphasize to you, my relationship with my spiritual mother does not in any way replace the relationship with my mother. Both women support me in doing everything I need to do to live well with my biological mother. Too often, I find that people who have experienced trauma in their family of origin look to assign the title and roles of family members to other people in their life. This is not a good thing and does not help with healing. In fact, it’s an indicator to me of how much work needs to be done to help that person face reality and find healing. This is also why hearing people call their pastors “mummy” “daddy” drives me crazy. Those terms of endearment need to be appropriately applied. In TikTok language, tell me you love me without telling me you love me.
4) Spiritual parents must be made aware of your feelings so that they can give you feedback. This is awkward, but I’m going to be honest and lay some truth on you. There have been people who have said to me, “Sis, I think of you as my spiritual mother” and I don’t receive it. In family biology, you can’t pick your parents or your children, but to take on the spiritual welfare of another person is a serious endeavour. That being said, I don’t tell them this outright, I will start to have conversations and pray about how to come to a place where they clearly see the truth. Even when I do accept someone calling me spiritual mother, I feel seriously charged with the maintenance of his/her soul in a deeper way that even mentoring. I am going to be praying for this person regularly. I am going to be checking in. I am going to have to ask tough questions sometimes and lead in some difficult conversations. To be honest, this is WORK and not easy work at that. I don’t know if you’ve realized this, but our culture is so weak and easily offended, youth pastors and clergy in general are hesitant to give clear guidelines to people asking for help because they are often attacked. I might be the only one who is still saying no to people when they try to pass off everything as God’s will. And I will keep doing this, but realize, if you want to have a spiritual parent, you will need to be in a consensual agreement where this person is allowed to challenge you, or else you won’t grow.
5) Gift-giving is okay but only if you check with the Lord first. In the same way that you wouldn’t buy an extravagant gift for a child without checking with their parents to see if it’s okay, can you please just ask God if He wants you to give something? Sometimes, the gift you are inspired to give is Heaven sent and meets a need. Other times, we get trapped in patterns of behaviour where we are ritualistically giving something with the idea that we will receive something to compensate it spiritually. This is thin ice! I know people will disagree with me. I have already been told that if I buy prophet a plane, God will give me a bus. I see how some people do fundraising in church and I’m disturbed. For the wide range of services I offer people, I receive donations for my time, but the moment I accept a spiritual son or daughter, everything I do for them must be 100% free. Why? Children are our responsibility when we have them. If I am charging for time, the enemy will use this aspect to pervert the relationship and make it go sour. We must be vigilant to keep the work of God free when it involves vulnerable people.
If you are a spiritual parent, or you allow people to call you a spiritual parent, I don’t care if you read this and are upset. You must be held accountable at a high standard, because you are representing the Living God. Pray and check yourself in the following ways:
1) Check your pride. Pride goes before the fall. Pride makes you think that you’re able to do this work because of who YOU are. YOU are Nobody. If you want to do this, your professional stance must be to empty yourself of yourself, and allow God to love these sons and daughter through you.
2) Live for Jesus! That’s what matters. I know you’re not perfect. I’m not perfect. But you can’t have sin in your life, regularly occurring sin that is undealt with, and keep positioning yourself to lead. Respect God enough to remove yourself, step aside and fix the problem. Note: I didn’t say give up. God’s grace and forgiveness is for you too, and if it’s a chronic problem, find someone that you can open up to and put the enemy’s efforts to shame. You can’t help other people when you are the one in such disarray and need.
3) Do the right thing… you are agreeing to be an example to someone now. So please do the right thing. Marry and commit to one person. Finish high school. Be responsible and work. (Too many people calling themselves to full-time ministry without thinking of what a burden that is to other people. You didn’t think I’d lay it bare like that, but there it is. It’s a problem in 2021. Everyone has to work, and if you don’t, make sure you’re not putting words in God’s mouth.)
4) Keep this relationship in perspective. Don’t try to replace this person’s parents in any way. Love them and remember that they are grown adults who have to go out there and make mistakes too, or else they will not learn who they are when no one is looking. Resist the urge to control or to influence decisions without first asking the Holy Spirit what He wants. He might indeed ask you to share a personal story, but this isn’t about you. There will be some sons and daughters who will always keep in touch as long as need to. Others will soar and fly high; you should celebrate this with them. I know I’ve done my job when I see that person making it on their own and not needing me.
5) Thank God for the honour. What a beautiful thing to be a spiritual parent! I really don’t want to discourage you. I am grateful to those who have chosen me, and when they do love and honour me, I am grateful and make sure to give it to God.
Alright, here is the comment section. Go on and hit me. :D