Friends, this post won’t be here forever. It’s time to speak. I want to say things in this note that I have never said out loud. You may be hurt after you read this, because you will see yourself. I’m sorry to be the vehicle that causes pain, but I have weighed all of this carefully, to ensure that it wasn’t person madness or flesh that has brought me here.
I think of the old women who have gone on past this life, the ones who made it their business to pray for me every morning, out of love for the church and our parents, and for us kids as individual souls that they knew would one day have tough choices to make. Today in my quiet time, I remembered their kind, lined faces, and I thought, I wish they could see me shining like a diamond! Although I shine in ways I haven’t before, I am simultaneously crushed, so I am not really enjoying it. If you need an explanation on that, there is a cost when God wants to use you for big things, and the cost will make you cry. It is usually painful and sacrificial in nature. Because of this purpose to my life, there are some things that will never be for me, and yet my heart and flesh will long for them. The cost is what we cry out when we choose God over our desires, every single day. In a time when people are astounded at my work and words, instead of being puffed up, inside I am crushed and unable to see the personal reward.
Something changed yesterday. It was the end of our 6th week of quarantine. For the last 6 weeks, I have been very uncomfortable. It was like I was waiting for this to be over, so we could go back to normal life. The pace of life that we all kept saying was killing us finally ground to a halt, and instead of being relieved, I was pent up and uncomfortable. Today feels very different. It is no longer a time of waiting, it is now a time of doing. I am free to speak, even when it brings tears to my eyes whereas before, it was pent-up and pushed down. I have the confidence of a woman who knows the plan, directly from the Master. May God keep me under His hand in these disorienting times.
Let’s go further back, to about September. Under my happiness, a thorn in the flesh was surfacing. Things that used to sit nicely with me were intolerable. I began to fast and pray for direction. I didn’t like what God was saying to me, and I resisted. There was a terrible dream I awoke from, and I clearly heard the Lord say that He had saved me for a time like this. I asked Him, what if I’m not ready? He reminded me that I have never cared about what anyone has thought of me, and that’s why I was a mouthpiece. But now I cared. I wanted to save my friends from themselves, even when that wasn’t what I was being asked to do. Out of fear, I kept my mouth shut, but I could not stop the dreams from coming. I questioned myself- was the problem with me? I can say with confidence now, no it’s not.
I tried to pray the way I have always done, and it led to frustration. When I would give up, God would say watch. Watching is not praying with words. Sometimes it looks like you’re sitting and waiting. Sometimes it is literally being aware of the Holy Spirit drawing your attention to something He wants you to see. Sometimes, it’s staying up and doing a quiet cheer routine inside because people are going through stuff on the outside, and you want to support them emotionally and spiritually. When you’re learning to watch, and you don’t have anyone to set the example, it’s not comfortable. It’s like trying to sit down when your back hurts, you have to keep adjusting until you find the right position. Then you lean into it for a while, knowing that you’re going to have to readjust eventually again. Leading up to this, there were definitely short experiences of watching. It’s like going into labour by proxy. You watch people go through things, and while it’s happening, God is speaking deeply to your spirit. He is telling you how to help, or how to pray, or something that He wants you to take note of. I’ve been watching for quite some time.
I was very young when the Lord began showing me situations from different perspectives. He said to me when I was in grade six that I would be one of the people who one day would see the truth plainly, and that I would not be deceived. I remembered it clearly, as though it was carved into my being. Recently he said this again, that in times when people see one thing, I will see with spiritual eyes dimensions that they have not considered.
I believe that God will give me opportunities to share His perspective through me, with people who make decisions. I also believe that He will use me to draw some blueprints as well as lines in the sand. There are actions I cannot continue to condone, and people I need to build distance with. There used to be a leniency where I was generous with my time, wanting to help people who are unreachable. That time has come to an end. My activities from here on in will be much more focused.
Before I let you go, there are some things I want to share. Initially, I fought to keep this quiet, under the guise of live and let live, but that isn’t scripture. This is not me judging you. It is what I should have said in the situation instead of stuffing it down. Sorry if it hurts you, but no apologies for the time I have spent weighing these things and seeking God’s direction on it. I recommend following up directly with God. Ask Him if it’s true and if He can tell you more. And if it’s not you, let it go and let me have my say. Everyone in the world is so concerned that their voice won’t be heard… give me my chance.
In no particular order…
1) Worship without God is worthless. You can’t worship worship. All of these particulars of how things have to be just right for you to be able to enter in… no. Stop. All of this play one band nonstop and over and over and over and over… please, stop. Everything in moderation, including worship. But also, what are we singing? Are the lyrics edifying and more importantly, are they theologically sound? Historically, hymns were not meant to be empty praise, it was another way to write the word of God on the hearts of people. You don’t have to like hymns, but there are enduring truths embedded in them to help people speak the Word even when it was hard to do so. Hymns work.
2) Too many people have called themselves into ministry flippantly. Instead of honouring the gifts God gave you, everyone wants to be a triple threat (that term was developed for Jennifer Lopez, when she crossed over from being a dancer and actress to also a singer). You’re not meant to be a one stop shop. I understand that when we don’t have enough people, the few who are there will take on more roles until others come, but some people got stuck in that, and soon enough they are relying on themselves, and not God. In fact, this is one of the causes of the massive burnouts we see. You call yourself to ministry and spread yourself too thin. Then, you rely solely on your interpretation of scripture, instead of reading, studying and praying to make sure that the word you are offering to the community of believers who are trusting you truly comes from God. If you grew up in a good church, chances are you will have a good working knowledge, but I have lived to see the word of God diluted, misquoted and spoken out of context to a point of disrespect. Preaching is not just standing up and talking about your feelings. It starts with seeking God, because the word comes from Him, not you.
3) People who are lacking in life experience and emotional maturity must not be responsible for the spiritual welfare of others. I’m not saying that everyone has to be abused and recovering from trauma. I am saying that if you have not lived the journey of problem, distress, prayer, strategy, action, praise, then you don’t know what you are talking about. If you are openly calling yourself a spiritual parent, I hope you have a slice of humble pie and milk to wash that down with. Being a spiritual parent is a sacrificial relationship that will require a significant investment of time. If you can’t reach your spiritual parent, or you’re pretending to be one but you aren’t making those deposits during the crucial growing times, you are dealing in lies. Yes, at a point, children grow and fend for themselves. The point of mentorship is to raise healthy mentees who can one day life their own lives and make choices that will help them emulate Christ. Mentorship is not meant to create dependence.
4) There are aspects of ministry that require leaders to engage with people (congregants, community) at a deeper level. You are not a pastor if you’re not doing pastoral care. I am tired of these slick Sunday shows. If a new believer can’t call on you when crisis hits, what’s the point of you saying that you are their shepherd? This is not hands-off work. In a similar way, all conferences, retreats, speaking events MUST be anchored and arranged with established churches attached. Revival is not stirring the pot and then taking off, while people who still don’t know who Christ is are trying to navigate this by themselves, without a church. I only trust or refer people to events where there is a church that is sponsoring, elders who will be present and altar workers who can follow up with those who attend because THIS IS RESPONSIBLE. The same way you wouldn’t let children play unsupervised, you have to take care of people, or else, don’t do it at all.
5) Let’s stop gassing people up on optimism dressed up as Christianity. I heard a secular song today about how no one’s laughing at God when people are suffering, but other times people have no trouble making fun of Him. Recently there was a video of Kenneth Copeland that people were mocking, because he prayed aggressively against the Covid-19 virus. The average person can’t see into the spiritual realm, so would obviously think this is funny, but as someone who isn’t average, I am telling you that Kenneth Copeland is a powerhouse in the Kingdom of God. I am tired of churches that are afraid to identify as Christian in a strong way. We are not non-profit community organizations, we are charged with nurturing the soul and reconciling people to their Creator. If during a crisis all you can tell do is promise me how God is doing great things, at some point I’m not believing you. We have lost our balance. Why do you guys never preach about sin? I’m not saying that we have to be stuck in Revelations Chapter 2, but you can’t promise people that God will change their lives without also talking about how their lives have to change to become more like Him.
6) No more sticking heads in the sand. People who are sensitive to manifestations of the Holy Spirit and sensing the presence of God are able to control their reactions, in the same way that one can control speaking in tongues. Certainly, God can knock you off your feet, but if your way of living and coping with life is to stay in a place where you take no responsibility for yourself or those who are depending you on, it’s not okay. It’s not okay to only come to church to feel good- this is not the mission of God. We all have to make a contribution to the Kingdom. I know that there are people who are stuck in churches that are rule-heavy and works based, but again, there needs to be balance. When you are unbalanced, you will not be able to stand when trying times come.
7) All this talk on climate change, and how we need to be responsible for our carbon footprints… in the same way, we are stewards for Christ. Ambassadors! Representatives! When did it become okay to give Cain like offerings? Why is God’s work treated so irreverently? People are looking to you to be the hands and feet of Christ extended. The way you carry your Christianity says volumes about how you’re living with Christ. I believe that it is important to be real with people and let them know that we are human and not perfect, but it is also important for them to see that Holy Spirit uses your weakness to present you as strong, and that it really isn’t you, but Him through you. Yes, it is possible to minister and be wounded, God can still use you… but if you stay wounded, year after year, and everything you share is tainted with that wound, you are not doing any good to the believers who need Christ. Get out of your own way.
8) This began as a teacher annoyance, but now has moved into a spiritual issue. Stop bragging about the fact that you dropped out of high school or did not pursue higher education. I am a fan of non-denominational congregations, but I miss the fact that denominations vetted for their clergy. So let’s say that you’re a dropout and God has used you as an evangelist- okay! Share it, but don’t stay there. Do better. Read a book. Pursue knowledge at a higher level. Being an ongoing-learner is part of being a Christian, we continue to improve until He comes again. When you brag about the fact that you don’t read, you are bragging about rebellion. I know people who worked two and three jobs and pastored on the side until they were able to grow a congregation large enough to support their salary. I know congregants who mortgaged their houses a second time so that the church’s finances could be taken care of, because they saw fiscal responsibility and transparency. Pastoral work is hard work. You must not be ashamed to work hard, and you must not place that burden on those you serve. They are counting on you to lead.
9) Real Christians will produce fruit of the Spirit- that seems pretty straightforward, right? I’m watching you forget this. If you don’t have love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control, if the presence of God is not cultivating this in your character, I don’t care how much you love worship and preaching. When the lights go out and Monday morning rolls around, some of you are not nice people. Of course you have moments of personal struggle where fruits may not be evident or development is on-hold, but beyond that, people should see this fruit bursting out of your being! This is what makes you a Christian! Some of you want to be blessed, but you don’t want to be nice to people, only the ones you choose, and the ones you choose you choose because they are attractive, or financially stable, or have something that you want. This nonsense has to stop. It’s directly related to the lack of growth in your business, finances, relationships and spiritual life. You are full of pride and no one can tell you or teach you anything… and then you want to know why you feel so far away from God? We need to go back to the basics. Gifts without love, unconditional and unselective love, are meaningless and clanging cymbals.
10) Last but not least, we need to steep ourselves in our identity in Christ, above all special interest politics and ungodly beliefs. This is a world that is seeking to deconstruct and fragment the way that you see yourself to satisfy its own purpose: that you are incomplete and need to be constantly engaged in a battle for more of everything (rights, air-time, money etc.). Injustice still exists, but last I checked, God is the keeper of justice, and if you trust Him and believe that He is in control, you have to submit to Him and let it go. In a similar way, we need to make sure that our story of the past is not our story of today. If every time you give that testimony, you land back in that place and allow it to define you, you are not permitting Christ to transform and heal you. Left unhealed, even though you are not being bullied anymore, you assume the posture of a bullied person, afraid to be who God is lifting you up to be, or worse yet, defensive and paranoid, perceiving attacks that are not actually coming, but you’re already reacting to. As a general rule, all of the things we like to cater to please our “self” need to be under submission to the Holy Spirit and kept in moderation. You can have your preferences, and your style. But what is supposed to be of paramount importance is that your relationship with Christ is fruitful, fulfilling, lively and active.
My first student teacher reminded me that in her first week of watching me teach, she will never forget how I wrote on the board 3 things: 1) Who am I, 2) Who are you, 3) Expectations. If you’re feeling your back go up right now, I want to encourage you to finish by reading this part: you are God’s kids, and I’m not looking to live badly with any of you. I respect you and cared about what you thought to a fault, in that He gave me opportunity to bring this up with you, and instead, I wanted you to like me. But being his children also means you need to be teachable, humble and looking constantly to Him for guidance. I can also now tell you who I am: I am a watchman with a Jeremiah anointing for these times, from now, until the end of my earthly life. I am an apostle who wants to check on the health of your personal growth in God and your church, even when you don’t welcome it, or don’t want to see your reflection. I am loving, but not easily swayed by the outbursts of children, as any of my former students can testify. I want what is best for you in Christ, but I am also not your crutch, not your personal prayer shield, not your scotch tape. If you come to me and need help, I will pray about it and if you don’t want to do the work to change it, I have to move on at this point… there are others who need me more, and are desperate for God. I live to be the donkey he rides into the city. I want to host Him on me, and be used by Him: this is above being accepted by any human being. Number 3 was expectations: this would be where I would remind those young people why we were together, what the outcome would be and how we were going to get there. Just because you don’t like what is written here, don’t let that stop you from examining yourself before Christ. Be brave enough to put it to task and say, Lord is it me? SO here is my big finish: Expectations: I’m going to be breaking some pots in Jesus name. It’s going to break my heart at times too- you have no idea how much I have cried about these things I have written here today. I am here for Him to use however He sees fit. I hope this is also the prayer of your heart.