It’s been a while since I’ve been able to juggle everything effectively and add to this body of work. I have been struggling physically with some health problems, and for quite some time, the cause was unknown. But now that I’ve found out what it is, I feel I need to share this with you, because I intend to be fully healed by my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.
Before I go there, I want to trust you with something. I have had a traumatic childhood. In my mind, it wasn’t that bad, but then again, the lens through which I see myself and my history has been seriously cracked. I want to tell you that it took all the human will I could muster to pick up and keep going. Even my self-destructive rebellious years were not nearly as bad as they could have been. I absolutely would not have made it without God; He was my guide even before I acknowledged Him. Having said that, I made a decision to bear down and fight for a chance at a different kind of life. That in itself required imagination, because so much happened and I could not often see how it would be possible to choose different avenues in life. Once I became aware that trauma from my past was holding me back from a closer walk and a deeper experience of God, I rolled up my sleeves and did the work to dig up the pain and allow the light of the Holy Spirit to shine in all my dark places through deliverance. In addition to receiving prayer ministry, I got myself into therapy at different points to tackle specific issues that were stubborn and not moving. I came to trust God so easily with this that the moment He asked, would you like me to heal you from this? I would run straight to the altar, like a child who stubbed her pinky (hurts a lot, but you won’t die). Because I engage in this work head on, I have been able to live a life that meets my criteria for success. I really am happy. Of course things are not perfect; such is life. But I am happy with my progress and where I am with God today.
Imagine my disappointment when I realized that my heart has been negatively affected by childhood trauma, and as an adult, research shows that this among other things for Children with Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACES) leads to early mortality. Isn’t it enough that the people who did terrible things to me stole that precious innocent time in my life? Now I find out that even though time has gone on, my body never stopped responding to the stress of abuse and now there is scientific evidence of a problem. When I was telling my friends about this, one of them said to me, “I hear you talk about your life and I have no idea how you turned out to be so normal.” If I, someone who has done the work, am struggling with these physical disorders, what will happen to the adult still in denial that anything went wrong?
I admit. I have known a couple of people who died young, spontaneously, from heart attacks that arose from complications of other things, like diabetes. The more I read about ACES, the more I understood how those people lost their lives without realizing what was happening.
Guys. I have enough trauma that whenever I meet a new therapist, and finally get through to basic run down, either they don’t believe me, or they think I don’t need therapy because I have dealt with enough of it to be able to talk about it. There is a questionnaire for ACES that anyone can take- Google it. Where most adults may have a score of 1 or 2, I am sad to say that I scored a whopping 6 on 10. To help you understand what that means, adults with an ACES score of 7 or more stand a 360% increased chance of heart attack after reaching the age 40. Looking at this research has made me realize that I still have some work to do, digging at the garden of my heart, forgiving people and letting them go.
This is not easy work.
Even after all this time, it makes me want to go to bed and never wake up.
How much more will it affect you, sis, who may not even be aware?
I am determined to be completely healed by God. This post is going to share with you my plan.
1) In addition to researching ACES as much as I can, I also ordered some workbooks that are designed to help people with trauma in their past move forward and forgive. I also downloaded some free worksheets about trauma-focused cognitive behaviour therapy. (I have used CBT for many years to help alleviate depression and anxiety, as well as help me process awkward situations where I don’t understand my feelings.)
2) Every night, I sit down and do 1-2 exercises from these books. This is followed by a brief but rigorous workout- I’ll tell you why. When I sit down and start to access those bad memories, I get angry and sometimes I cry. But my heart rate starts to go up, except I’m not physically doing anything useful to make that a good thing. When after, I can run on the treadmill or jump around, or lift weights, I am forcing my body to use the negative energy I just generated until its spent. It doesn’t take long.
3) I shower and then I am gentle with myself. I read the Bible or listen to worship music. I might talk to my husband about something that I still can’t seem to let go of. I might spend this time in prayer. I make sure I give this enough time, because I don’t want to go to bed upset.
4) I go to bed. I sleep, thank God. No pills, no nightmares so far. Just good, healthy sleep.
5) Waking up has been different. When I wake up now, I feel the weight of trauma right away. It feels like a hangover that hasn’t cleared. There is nothing pleasant about it. I can see it on my face. Morning prayer focuses on asking God to renew my mind, create in me a clean heart, and give me fresh mercy and grace to get through. So far, I am able to shake this feeling by mid-morning. What was interesting was the first morning I woke up and thought, whoa, I haven’t felt like this for a long time. I remembered a Billie Holliday song, Good morning heart-ache.
6) The last and best part- I am doing all of this in preparation for healing. I already know who I can go to for prayer for the healing of these specific matters. I am rushing to do this work so that when I am finally in that atmosphere and hands are laid, I will walk away a brand new, whole person. Sis! I am expecting this. I am waiting for it. It may take many trips to the altar. It may just take one. No matter, I am leaning into it and thrusting my full weight at God.
You might be reading this and saying, wow, she’s strong or wow, she’s crazy… what if God doesn’t do it? I can’t emphasize this enough! He will! If He didn’t, I would not have already received all that He has done for me thus far. If you met me, you’d think wow, what a lovely lady, not OMG, that’s one crazy fractured soul! Here is where I place my warning to everyone: high functioning people, that is to say, people who are strong and take adversity in their stride and are generally resilient, those people need healing too. They need time to heal and people to support them while they are healing and they need prayer! The temptation we have is to say that they are okay, they always pull through, but these are people who often need encouragement but don’t get it. In fact, they are often the ones who are giving it to others.
Can I ask you for a couple of things?
1) Pray with me. And for me.
2) Stay with me. When I get my clean bill of health, with a stamp that says God did it, we will celebrate.
Thanks for letting me share this today.